The seahorse that could live on land.

Once upon a time there was a seahorse named george. What was amazing about geor

Tell me all about your winterbreak

We went to wheels Inn. There is laser tag but they call it laser rescue but theres nobody to rescue!

If you could be any geometric shape what would you be?

I'd be a cube because the only thing that I would hafto do is just sit there the whole day. What would be hard? Moving around and rolling. What would be easy? Sitting there and being lazy and eating. Kids would learn and study about me. Maybe even take tests and quizs on me.

What would you do with a million dollars?

I'd buy limo and a mansion. I wouldn't hafto go to work. I would go to every state in the world. I'd buy a Elephant, tiger, Monkey, and a rhinosouros. I'd go to college and get a masters degree.

If you could live anywhere else in the world where would you live?

I'd live in california because walt disney world is there. I would go there everyday. I'd live with a parrot and a dog. The parrot would get annoying so the next birthday party I would give as a present. I would be a garbage man I would pick up the garbage and put it in the truck. Then when I got home I would have dinner and fall asleep. I would

Imagine you were alive during the time of slavery what role would you play?

I'd be a slave catcher and catch all of the slave. I'd go into houses and see if they were hiding slaves and I would try to find any kind of passege way so I could catch the slaves. I'd make sure that they weren't in the house and if they weren't I'd just be on my way. I would look everywhere for them I wouldn't stop until they were found. I'd keep my eye on everyone to make sure they weren't planning to escape. I would stay up the whole night. I'd drink a lot of coffee to stay up. I would need sleep so I would ask another guy to watch as I go to sleep.

Write a spring break poem

Spring, spring your so sunny
you smell like a bunny
We can say no to snow.

What was the most fun thing you have ever done?

When we went to wheels inn I played laser tag went swimming, played video games and went on these weird things for two days it was the life.

The pencil that smells

Once upon a time there was a pencil named Vern. One day he was playing with his friend they were having a rotten egg war. Vern got hit five thousand times he smelled like rotten eggs. He snuck in his house but his mom could smell him peeeeeyou you smell like rotten eggs. Your gonna hafto take a shower but I hate taking it's so dark and WET!!! But it's the only way you'll get clean. Oh all right so he took a shower and he didn't smell anymore. So he went back to his friend's house this time they had a toxic waste and he got hit ten million times he went home but this time it wouldn't come OFF

pretend your fourth grade pencil talk about your life.

Vern my owner keeps on sharpening so I keep on getting shorter I used to be seven point five now I'm three point five talk about short. Every day he uses me I get so tired of arrrrgh! But when they go home I just sit in his pencil box and sleep but he wakes me up nine 0'clock in the morning. Now I'm lost I don't know where I am but I think the janitor threw me away if so I'm probably crushed right now let me rest in peace.

Miss Durbin Compliment:
Miss Durbin your a good teacher and dancer.

Write a Lindbom poem.

A poem Vern wrote about his Elementary School.

Lindbom, Lindbom
your so fun
like a big bun.
You weight a ton.
I wish I could meet Mr. Lindbom
Are school had a bomb threat
We took it like a test.
We have a lot of fun going to family fun night
And things like that.
Oh Lindbom your so cool
your a teaching tool.

palentolegist

Fun because I could buy anything I wanted video games, tv, sega dreamcast and toys for the kids. I would be a palentolegist it would be fun digging up dinosaur bones, my wife, my friends, and my kids.

Take a trip to outer space

The first day I train to get ready for the trip to outer space. A week later were sitting in the space shuttle ready for take off. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF! Here we go into outer space it's a bit bumpy. Then we enter the earths orbit everyone's flying. Then we get to Saturn we land we put on our space suits and go outside. There was no sign of life anywhere! Wait a minute what was that an alien with an explosive. EXPLOSIVE! Get into the space ship the captain called. We got into the ship the engine didn't start OH NO! The planet blew up and we blasted into space. A month later they saved us.

if I wanted to Break a world record

Trying to score a million goals in soccer it would be hard why cause I like to play soccer and it would be fun trying to score a million goals. How? by getting on as many teams as I could and try to be forward as much as I could so I could score some goals

Argus

My road rally for the church

who - Me, ryan, Mitch, Adam, chris and my dad

what - the road rally

where - Any store we can find

when - last Friday night

why - for god

how - by trying to anoy the community as much as we can.

We started the road rally at 9:00 it was only Me, ryan, Mitch, Adam, chris & my dad. The first place we went to was Burger King and asked for five Big Maks but they didn't have any so we went to Mc Donalds and got one Big Mak and then when we got it we went to taco bell and tryed to trade a Big Mak for a bean burito but it was closed so we didn't get it. Next we went Big Boys and pointed at Big boy for 27 seconds after that we went into big boy and danced around a waiter and singe for he's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow that nobody can denied and ran we got all this on tape too.

The end

Last Day!!!!!!

I have no idea what he was listing here.

1) New years party
2) Valentines day
3) Viola swamp
4) dance
5) The christmas
6) cloned food
7) Lunch ladies
8) Mr. B
9) Miss Durbin
10) Danny
11) Friends
12) Field day
13) disco hangout
14) The solar system
15) Halloween party
16) LAST DAY
of school

couplets poem

Here's another poem Vern wrote about Miss Durbin. He just loved that teacher of his...maybe a little too much.

Miss Durbin likes to dance
She always has a chance
Miss Durbin like to teach
and like to do it

A question poem

Vern was nothing if not inquisitive. Though I have no idea why he kept buttering up Miss Durbian.

What is school?
Why do we have school?
do we need school?
Are the teachers mean or nice?
is school boring or fun?
is school challenging or easy?
Will kids be a million times smarter than I will?
What if I got a F in social studies?
What if I got Miss Durbin that would be cool!!!

List things your thankful for

This list is great for so many reasons. I really love how pizza takes top billing over God and my parents come in eighth place, just after pokemon and Dragonball Z.

1. pizza
2. God
3. my freinds
4. school & college
5. my teacher (Miss Durbin)
6. pokemon
7. DBZ
8. my parents
9. church
10. N64 & Play Station
11. Math
12. Christmas
13. Books
14. pop
15. me
16. drawing books

A Halloween poem

skeletons are your body and they really like to party. Frankenstein is big and tall some are friendly some not

The twizzlers vs the smarties

This is hands-down the most intense story about anthropomorphic candies fighting each other that you will ever read.

One day the twizzlers sitting in a store and a kid came and wanted some candy. So he looked at the twizzlers and the twizzlers thought oh boy oh boy but instead he picked the smarties. This made the twizzlers angry so they said hey smarties want to have a battle us verse you o.k. since were so smart will beat you in a second. But what are the rules anything goes whoever loses has to go in the garbage for EVER. O.K. So it began first the twizzlers brought out a bazooka and shot it BOOM! all the smarties were hurt so they to go in the garbage.

The end

The two giant babys birthdays

Once upon a time there was two babys. They were best friends and both of there birthdays were coming up but they didn't know what to get each other. Well they both liked to color but they knew that they might same present. Or maybe a better present then it was time to go to school they were both in first grade. There were twenty five children in their class and every day they had to sit outside cause they were too big to fit in the classroom. Tomorrow was there birthday.

The Baby that went down the MIssippi river

This is the first of two stories Vern wrote about really oversized babies. Apparently he had some obsession with huge babies at one point.

One day a women called Mrs. Johnson had and she called him Baby Bob but the baby weighed so much they couldn't carry him so they. Asked if the nurse could get some help but unfortunately. They couldn't get him out the door so they sat down and thinked. But no one thought of anything so they had to get a canoe and put. Him in it and he would hafto go down the Missipi river. So they did and waved good bye till he disapeard into the Fog. Now since baby bob all alone he was hungry so he picked. Some berries along the way and then he was tired so he took a nap for. About five hours and woke up and he was at the mouth but the boat couldn't hold his weight.

what would be the best way to solve a problem?

well if I got in a fight with my freind is just. To say o.k. we can do this and that tomorrow but if your in. A different kind of fight with your then thats. A problem especialy if there older than you. Then there's some facts always defend your self never give it up and. Never ever fight with your freind.

if I was president I would...

This one's actually kind of sweet. I'm posting it to demonstrate that while Vern might have been a total weirdo, he was also a good-natured kid.

For people to stop building condos in the forests and if. Someone killed and endagared animal they would. Hafto go to jail for five years and make prices lower for poor people that maybe. Can't afford stuff like a tv and food. Then I would give poor people a hom to live and they. Wouldn't hafto pay plus they could have room service. It would help poor people a lot and help animals too. Oh yah and don't pollute water or the air or anything and that would help our enviroment.

AND THATS WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS PRESIDENT!

What I think Pine Hills

I would go hiking in the fields and then rock climb. Then we would go in the woods and explore and there would be a race. Whoever finds the most pine cones would win.

Thank You Adam Sandler

Dear Adam

You are a funny guy especialy in Big daddy but. It's really sad when the boy has to leave to go. To his other parents and the other movie I liked was happy gilmore. but why did you beat up the old man?

sincerly
Vern

The Bee Keeper

This was a story Vern wrote in third grade. It's become rather infamous among our family and friends for its bizarre plot and soul-crushing ending.

once there was man that had a lot pride in his bees but one. Day he put his hand in it but he forgot to put on his safety gear. So he got stinged very badly so he had to go to the hospital. When he woke up they asked what happen? Well I pinched my nose to long and passed out. He felt really bad that he lied and he really wanted to get out. Of the hospital so he tried opening a window but that didn't work so he asked. The guard if he could go and the gaurd said no then he felt something right. Where his heart was so he just layed down and died.

The end

poem

Danny the dinosaur

Danny the dinosaur is all orange
he liks to do drink pourage [porridge]
and doesn't like to pay his morgage
he has a lot of things in storage
he is a happy little dinosaur
but all the other dinosaurs
would call him names like crocky or stickey.

Bob the Alien

Bob the Alien was italian
and all he ate was italian
he had a parrot kritalian
(I made up this word)

if you could live in any state

I would live in chicago, illnois and why you ask cause my dad was. Born there and my family has tell me great things about it. I would work at hungrie howies pizza cause a lot people would Want pizza and I like making pizza. And yes you there is a hungries howies in Michigan.

and that were I would live and what I would do.

how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

well first take two pieces of bread and then some jelly and then. spread it but not too much only like a half of a inch. And then get some peanut butter and do the same. Then eat it and if taste good then your a chef.

The end

If I was an Olympic Athlete

I would like to do soccer because I'm good at it and I. Would probably win and score a lot of goals and I would like to repesent Australia and why I would repesent Australia is cause its my favorite country and has all my favorite animals that live there and its really warm and I like warm places.

how I feel today

I feel like going home today and take a nap cause I stayed up till 11:00 pm and I woke up at 7:50. What I like about my feelings is they feel really good and some times bad. And I want to change my feelings so I don't have. Bad feelings or sad feelings but I would like to always have good feelings and good friends.

Things that grow

1 kids
2 animals
3 parents
4 flower
5 watches
6 teachers
7 food grow on trees
8 class room grows
9 hair
10 babys

about me

A self-introduction written on Vern's first day of third grade.

about me

I was born April the twentyth 1991 I was born at eleven aclock. My dad said when I was little I use to always. Pick up something and throw it and when ever I. Got inafight I would pick up something and throw. It at my sisters head and I'm nine years old

Some more of Vern's book reports

Open WIDE Robin Mitchll
illustrated by Paul Stanish
Open wide, look inside.
How many there? None.
Open wide. Look inside.
How many. Two crazy pigs.

A Goofy Movie by Francine hughes
"Whoah!" Inside Goofy and Max tumbled all about. Suddenly, Bigfoot stopped. He leaped off the car. He began to nose around their camping gear.
A few days later Max and Goofy drove back to their hometown. First stop: Roxanne's house. Max! Roxanne cried running to the door. I Saw you on tv. I think why someone should read this book is because it's good and funny

cam Jansen and the triceratops pops Mystery
David A. Adler
Chapter one who would steel triceratops pops?
Honk! Honk! a clown sitting on a huge tricycle honked his horn. then he handed Eric Shelton a flyer. "thank you," Eric said. Someone dressed in a large frog costume handed him another flyer. I think why some one should read this book is they have good mysteries

charllotes web

This is apparently a book report Vern did about Charlotte's Web. What more can I say? It's a god damned masterpiece.

charllotes web
don't hear song
don't see birds
don't hear a rainbow
don't hear about wibur's birthday
don't hear papa
there's a ghost in my bed
don't hear about scarecrow
doesn't the duck go's in there but they take him out

Vern's Second Grade Writing Journal: It Will Be Fun

I'll start off nice and easy with selections from the journal Vern had at the beginning of second grade. You will see quite quickly why his second grade teacher thought he had some kind of disability (and why she worried about his home life!)

9/1
Today is my first day in second grade. I like to ride my bike.

9/10
I am going to go to the tentist [dentist]. Today my mom going to pick me up at school. I like to ride my bike.

9/18
My Dad. I like to ride bike it is fun. Today I brot in a afican frog.

9/23
Today we have gym it will be fun.

11/24
Tomorrow I'm going to go to Indeana it will be fun. Today we are going to Santa's Secret shop it will be fun. Today we have gym and libary it will be fun.

12/19
Last night I got a toy hammer that you can transform into a Jeep it is cool. Yesterday I got a Lego spaceship it is coo and fun. And today I got a soccer game it will be fun.

4/26
Today my mom has to go to court because my dad wasn't paying for child care.

6/16
What I want to do is ride my bike and when my dad. Finishs the tree house I'll go in it.

Welcome all!

This is a blog about a little boy named Vern.

When my brother was in elementary school, he had thoughts about the world, a great number of which were either absurd or vaguely unsettling. He wrote them all down in his class journals, where his elderly teacher eventually ran across them. In the months that followed, she called our parents in for a series of rather desperate conferences in which she bestowed upon them her professional opinion about their son: Vern was either retarded or severely emotionally disturbed and would most likely need to be held back a grade...at least until they figured out with the hell was wrong with him.

Somehow, the kid managed to fall in line by the end of the year. In fact, it wasn't long before a complete reversal of fortunes occured and he was recommended for placement in the gifted and talented program. Today, Vern is a thoroughly functional seventeen-year-old with above-average academic abilities and a bright future.

But those old journals are still around, a testament to the maladjusted little nip he once was.

I now present to you some excerpts from the diary of an unabashedly bizarre elementary schooler.